This week on The Exes, Phil (Donald Faison) went and slept with a nun. There really isn’t much more to say, but let’s start at the beginning.
Having left Staten Island, the Key West of NYC, behind, Nicki (Leah Remini) is now slowly taking over the big city. She is running shit at the bar, loudly judging every single person around her, and, all in all, behaving in a manner very similar to every woman we hold near and dear to our heart. Even better, she is also getting ready too hit the singles scene with her newly single gal pal Vanessa. That is, until she finds out Vanessa is getting ready to give up men forever and become a nun.
How very Deloris Van Cartier of the young lady.
The nun-to-be runs into a slight problem however when she encounters Phil at the pub, and then decides to encounter Phil back at his place. And so, it seems, there will be no habit for poor, sweet Vanessa.
Elsewhere, Holly (Kristen Johnston) has suffered a horrible fall in a bathtub and is requiring around the clock care from Eden (Kelly Stables) and Haskell (Wayne Knight) as she recovers. What she is not saying is that this horrible fall came during some sex games with that Australian as they vacationed down in Costa Rica, at least in our mind.
As it turns out, Miss Holly is not the easiest patient, and Haskell and Eden decide to remedy this situation by drugging the little lady, a plan that seems sure to work until Haskell accidentally eats her tainted pudding. And then, like Romeo and Juliet (only the exact opposite) before them, Eden too starts shoveling in that laced dessert to shut out Holly’s whining and demands.
That’s what friends our for.
Back in the land of the Lord, Vanessa has decided her underwhelming night with Phil has strengthened her bond with the man upstairs, and is again ready to get all up in that pious lifestyle. She also happens to mention who the man was the made her question her faith, an admission that sends Nicki into high, sassy gear and she goes and grabs Phil so she can film him telling every woman in the bar what a dog he is. That woman really can do anything with that sassy strut and loud voice and those terrifying, terrifying looks.
Oh, and as for our boyfriend Stuart (David Alan Basche), he didn’t really have much to do this week, but there was some mention of him being in some sort of closet, so fingers crossed her gets out of that closet next week.
Leaderboard (Who’s Up & Who’s Down)
Nicki (UP) — Basically, we’re afraid what this fictitious character would do too us if we did not rank her as UP.
Holly (UP) — See above.
Eden (UP) — As long as she is still asleep.
Haskell (UP) — See above.
Stuart (EVEN) — We’re not really sure what Stu was even up to this week.
Phil (DOWN) — The man is gonna have to find a new bar to troll.
Chris Spargo is a writer living in NYC who also wanted to be a nun after seeing “Sister Act.” Less so after “Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit.” Follow him on Twitter at @chrisonchris
Well guys, things are getting pretty bleak street with our friends on The Exes. Haskell (Wayne Knight) is turning into a creepy stalker who we are pretty sure is about to start making a hair doll of Nicki (Leah Remini) he will keep in his dresser, Stuart (David Alan Basche) is breaking into his old home for the sake of nostalgia, Eden (Kelly Stables) is trolling pubs in search of one night stands, and Holly (Kristen Johnston) is apparently so desperate to bill some hours that she is willing to represent people from the borough of Staten Island to make some money for her firm.
It’s like an episode of Orange Is the New Black.
Let’s start with Haskell and his leering ways. Dude has decided he has to have Nicki but, unfortunately for us all, seems to have learned the art of wooing a woman by watching how the villains behave in Lifetime movie marathons, And so he spends his nights silently sitting at a bar in a pub just staring at her as she bartends, this before setting her up on a blind date with his fake friend Pete.
Haskell’s plan, because those always work so well, is that once this dude Pete is a no show, he will sweep in and be there for Nicki and finally get his chance. Nicki, for her part, gets all hot and tarted up in a red dress and thong, checks with her mother to make sure it’s okay she sleeps with danger, and heads on down to the pub for some rebound sex. Problem is, Haskell does have a friend Pete who randomly shows up, and this guy has a pretty hot face and a voice like that phone in Her, so Nicki is immediately smitten. Hey, we’d hit it.
Lucky for Haskell, this Pete seems to be a mini-Madoff, so he pays the dude to ditch the date and then sweeps in when Nicki gets ditched. The plan doesn’t really work though as Nicki puts our boy in the friend zone, and Haskell sadly heads home to do things we’d rather not think about.
Meanwhile, with his boyfriend preoccupied trying to score a girl, Stuart is forced to get some help from Phil (Donald Faison) when he learns his wife is selling the house they lived in for 18 years. Help because he decides he wants to break in to relive some memories. It’s a stupid idea and he gets his due when his wife and her new man show up and he and Phil are forced to watch the two bump uglies in a nearby closet as they hide out. But hey, maybe that’s what he was hoping for all along.
And like we said, Holly and Eden we’re just passing by in this episode, Eden to score some pub tail and Holly to maybe bring Nicki on as a client.
Let’s hope something positive happens with these kids next week.
Leaderboard (Who’s Up & Who’s Down)
Stuart (DOWN) — Now breaking into homes.
Nicki (DOWN) — May soon be murdered in her sleep and made into a human doll by Haskell.
Holly (DOWN) — Now repping clients whose biggest asset is an above-ground pool.
Eden (DOWN) — Girl, get thee to a free clinic.
Haskell (DOWN) — Straight up stalker.
Phil (DOWN) — Dude, it may be time to cut your loses and run away from this group. Quick.
Chris Spargo is a writer living in NYC who is fairly certain he has done far creepier things when trying to woo men than Haskell, but is going to judge Haskell regardless. Follow him on Twitter at @chrisonchris