The Exes

New Season this summer! Starring Kristen Johnston, Wayne Knight, Donald Faison, David Alan Basche and Kelly Stables
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This week on The Exes one of the guys finally went on a date with a nice, beautiful, solid lady. Unfortunately that man was Stuart (David Alan Basche) and that woman was his sister Nicki (Leah Remini), but hey, you can’t win them all.

This date d’inceste all came about because Staurt had a very important party with his dentist pals and theirĀ  Xanax loving brides, and got ditched at the last second by one of those women he always claims to be dating but we never actually meet. And Nicki was his absolute last choice, after Holly (Kristen Johnston) was deemed unfit for tearing down one of the dental wonders in divorce court when she represented his ex-wife and Eden (Kelly Stables) suffered an injury with a champagne cork that made her look like an extra in a Lady Gaga video, thanks, in large part, to a ridiculous eye patch.

Oh, and did we mention Stu decided to pretend Nicki was not his sister, but his actual date? Freud would haveĀ  field day with this mess.

And so Nicki, now Nicole, and Stuart went to a super boring party where Stuart behaved like a giant dick and treated his sister like garbage. It was all quite difficult to watch until the host’s son Ricky (hello Tony Dovolani) showed up and did a sexy little dance number with Nicki, errr, Nicole. No matter how bad the night was we hope Nicki rushed back at some point to bed that little hottie to thank herself for that nightmarish night.

In the end, Stuart’s dick ways cause Nicki to rightfully explode and walk out of the party, but not before announcing she is his sister and making all the creepy dentists think Stuart is super creepy. It was perfect payback really.

Oh, and speaking of dicks, Haskell (Wayne Knight) and Phil (Donald Faison) claim they are going to get vasectomies this episode to avoid ever getting a woman pregnant, but both fake getting the procedure. Seeing as how both men think only with their dicks, this really isn’t a surprise to anyone.

Leaderboard (Who’s Up & Who’s Down)

Nicki (UP) — The lone voice of reason every single week.

Holly (UP) — She avoided a date from hell with Stuart.

Eden (UP) — See above.

Haskell (UP) — Still has manhood, and it’s all still working.

Phill (UP) — See above.

Stuart (DOWN) — Worst. Brother. Ever.

Chris Spargo is a writer living in NYC who would never take his sister as his date to a party or get a vasectomy. Follow him on Twitter at @chrisonchris

Haskell (Wayne Knight) finally got a little bit gay this week on The Exes, something we knew was going to happen at some point, but not, as we anticipated, with our boy Stuart (David Alan Basche). Elsewhere, Eden (Kelly Stables) and Nicki (Leah Remini) maybe bedded some seamen, Phil (Donld Faison) delivered a very hard eulogy, and Holly (Kristen Johnton) attempted to join the mile high club.

You see, Holly is looking for love y’all, and she thought she found it with a hot stranger at a bar, as many of us often do, and used the girth of Haskell to part the crowds and make her way over to her new man. The plan worked well for our girl too, and she scored dinner plans with a new hottie, who is a pilot, for the next evening. Small problem however, the pilot wanted to bring his gay brother along for the date. And Haskell, who the gay brother seemed to have a little thing for.

And so Haskell unknowingly went on his first gay date, where he learned gay men are kind of the best. For this reason he decided to hold off on letting his new pal (played by Roger Bart, the man best known for playing crazies in stuff like Desperate Housewives and Hostel II) know that he was actually a breeder and not much into guys. Holly on the other hand was finding out romance was dead with her lame pilot friend and decided to just bang him and get rid of him.

Lucky for Haskell, his first gay love decided to go back to his ex before their relationship got physical, and now our buddy can focus once again on creeping out Nicki all the time.

Phil and Stuart were having their own little sexual encounter this week as well, when Phil decided to pop some Valium to prepare to deliver the eulogy at his old coach’s funeral, and instead popped some Viagra. Fail.

Then there is Holly and Nicki, who got tanked after attending a few clubs and loft parties, and woke up in sailor uniforms. Unsure what happened, they soon got a text asking for the uniforms back and prepared to meet some hot seamen. Instead, however, they met middle-aged Mel, the costume lady from the smash musical South Pacific, who was kind enough to dress the girls they were soaking wet and drunk outside the stage door the previous evening.

It was a rough week for all.

Leaderboard (Who’s Up & Who’s Down)

Nicki (DOWN) — Drunk.

Holly (DOWN) — Let a pilot go for the sake of romance.

Eden (DOWN) — Drunk.

Haskell (DOWN) — Dumped.

Phil (DOWN) — Hard at a funeral

Stuart (DOWN) — Hanging with a guy who is hard at a funeral.

Chris Spargo is a writer living in NYC who once woke up with a sailor’s cap in his bedroom. He had no idea how it ended up there. Follow him on Twitter at @chrisonchris